Imposter syndrome and me: The MAD Blog Awards

Imposter syndrome - all but the most confident of us get it, right? The feeling that everyone must be better than you. In blogging, that the event you've been invited to by The Soil Association, Sainsburys or Asda must really be for other bloggers and that you're just there to make up numbers. The feeling that you should turn down offers because "you probably want someone with a bigger readership" Where does all of this come from? Why do these words spring so easily from my lips?

Tonight I'm going to the MAD Blog awards, I'm not nominated but am there to make up the numbers - which is exactly what I keep telling people. And it is true, but why can't I just beam at people excitedly, tell them how grateful I am for the opportunity to celebrate others' success, and (as I was reminded half an hour ago) to network the s*** out of it?

I think what terrifies me the most is that I'll be there without my armour - the pushchair and Harry, or M. Those things I rely on, that enable me to be that bit more confident. They cement two of the key parts of my identity, as someone's Mum, someone's wife. But there's so much more to me than that, I'm a good blogger, especially when it's my writing that's the focus; my post about Breastfeeding is recommended by people from breastfeeding support groups all over the UK as well written, really useful and important, my dairy, egg and soya free fish pie recipe garners thank you emails regularly, and my broccoli pesto recipe gets pinned daily. And yet, I still looked longingly at the buggy just now and thought about how safe it makes me feel.

So this afternoon I'm going to forsake my daily dose of dry shampoo and a messy bun for a sleek blow-dry, my bare face for red lipstick, and my mummy uniform of skinny jeans, converse and a breton top for a beautiful skirt from Lindy Bop and a pair of gorgeous heels. And I'm going to celebrate others' success, beam at everyone I speak to, and pop these awards in my daily list of blessings to say thank you for.

If you're going and feeling a bit like me, don't. Have confidence in your abilities, and lets all shove that imposter syndrome to the side. Because like so much in life, if we don't let it in - it can't take hold.

I promise - a personal response

In 1984 a lot was going on in my world. I had a two year old little brother, I was playing a plum in the Christmas play (I'd been an angel the year before), scented rubbers had been banned at Upminster infants and we'd started to learn the recorder. I also started Brownies with Sarah, my dearest friend for the longest while (I only wish I lived closer to her now). 

On a sunny Monday evening I distinctly remember being enrolled (making my promise as we would say now). Dressed in my cousin Sarah's old Brownie dress, belt, purse and yellow crossover tie I was so excited. At our Brownie pack we also did our Hostess badge on that first night, inviting someone for tea, making fairy cakes, laying a tray, and serving them just before we made our promise. Our pack secretly adorned our Brownie pool (a mirror) with leaves and flowers that spelled out the name of the Brownie making her promise. And that's where my memory of the evening stops. However, the promise I made went like this:

I promise that I will do my best
To do my duty to God
To serve the Queen 
To help other people
And to keep the Brownie Guide law

Monday nights from that point on were a hotbed of excitement culminating in being made joint seconder (with Sarah) of the Kelpies and winning my only ever prize ever at designing a teddy bear on a Brownie revels.  We had one particularly dreadful term where our maths teacher made us write out all our times tables (backwards and forwards) on a Monday night if we got any wrong in our tables test that day, but we continued to love our time as Brownies. 

As you know my Guiding journey didn't end there - and 7 years ago I remade my promise as a leader, with my Brownies, slightly shaking of voice and pink of face. I've remade it many times since then, on Thinking Days or special occaisions - the promise I make now goes like this:




I promise that I will do my best
To love my God
To serve the Queen and my country
To help other people
And to keep the Guide law

A few differences - I don't do my duty any longer but love instead and I don't just serve the Queen but my country too. 

And now Girlguiding has made it's eleventh (in over 100 years) update to the promise, after September it will become:

I promise that I will do my best
To be true to myself and develop my beliefs
To serve the Queen and my community
To help other people
And to keep the Guide law

Of course, there's been much in the way of sloppy, biaised journalism around our decision - well it wouldn't sell papers if people wrote - 'Girlguiding consult 44000 before updating promise to become even more inclusive' when of course you could tell your readers that... Shock! Horror! pagans can now go camping *eye roll* In my eyes, to my mind the small change is wonderful, by taking out the concept of a specific deity we serve to include so many more people who felt conflicted at the prospect of promising to love an entity they weren't content with acknowledging. Perhaps they don't believe in a formal deity, for them spirituality may be personal, quiet, may not require a structure. Others may be unsure of their faith, have waivered. And with our memberships increasing I welcome all of those girls and adults. To be true to yourself is surely the highest indictment of good judgement and thoughtfulness. 

And I suppose I have a small confession to make - despite being brought up a Christian who attended church weekly, sang in the choir, and had a strong and true faith, that's just not the case any longer. The God I believed in pushed things too far, and for a long time I said that we just weren't speaking. Well, I wasn't speaking to God. Over time that's changed, I've realised that I don't think the God I believed in would have been so unkind and so my belief in a deity has wavered.  I truly don't believe that the God we're taught about would hurt the people we are told he loves so very much. Especially not when so many of those people are good and kind. Faith wise I've been lost for some time time, and there is a small pang of regret each time I've remade my promise so for me this is a relief. A relief that until such time as I find some answers or no longer feel the need for them I wont be making a promise that I take very seriously where I have to interpret a line to make it not a lie. 

I truly hope that this update opens the doors to welcome more girls and women into GirlGuiding by reassuring them that neither your faith nor lack of faith preclude you from membership and that the updates which come after it continue to reflect the communities we live in to make this an inclusive and supportive organisation.

Comedy photos included to lighten the tone... 

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Source

Apologies for the break in service - I'd like to say normality will resume presently but I'm going to be taking things slowly for a while. Whilst I love blogging, and adore the friends I've made through my little space on the internet, I've recently found life a little challenging. There's a lot going on here in the Pantry; big and little things and to say I've  felt overwhelmed by life would have been an understatement. I am trying to get things a bit more back on track and need to be a bit easier on myself - aren't we all our own worst critics? 

The plan is that for a while I'll just be blogging recipes and activity plans for my Guide and Brownie units - the things I love most. And taking that a bit more slowly. One of the things I've realised is that I can't do everything or at least not well. And that the person that's affected most by trying to be all things to all people is me. 

If you've found your way here from Guiding magazine - hello and welcome to my pantry - hopefully you'll have a poke around the recipes and activity plans and find something that interests you. If there's something you've wanted to try with your unit but am not sure how, or some inspiration for food activities for a particular theme or festival, drop me a line - either in the comments, or at penelopespantry@googlemail.com 

Next up - chocolatey chocolate and pretzel cookies... 

Hey you, it's good to see you: of fish and family

Picture courtesy of Google images

Lately I seem to be diversifying the blog a bit, well, either that or forgetting to post. Meal planning Monday I'm looking at you. As my fellow Guidery readers will know it's full on camp/ outdoor/ jubilee/ Olympics activities time.
So today I want to talk about two things; fish and family.

A couple of weeks back BBC2 aired the programme The London Markets: Billingsgate which looked at the changing face of the fish market. A fish market I know all too well, albeit not in person. I'm fortunate enough to know it because it houses our family business, and several of my family therein.

Prior to the programme airing I'd had several heads up about it from my mum and cousins reminding me to watch as we knew it featured both the business and specifically one of my cousins.

Truthfully I wanted to watch, not just because of the family connection but also, as a foodie, fish is something I take a real interest in. People are often surprised at my skills and adeptness with a sharp knife and some fish, and my ability to take most seafood in my stride. I tend not to blog to excessively about the fish I eat, but have made a resolution (late, I know) to change that. Some of the fish dishes I make are very simple, easy ways to add a difference to your weekly meals. Many I've grown up eating. And most, are incredibly thrifty. As much as I love moules marineres, prawn dishes and smoked salmon (oh how I adore smoked salmon) I tend to keep those in reserve for special occaisions.

Given our family history it's unsurprising that I'm quite serious when I say I was pretty much weaned on fish, and my disgust at fish fingers at a very early age delighted my lovely Grandad (see below). We've always been lucky to have access to fresh fish. I remember being at a New Years Eve party with several of my cousins (I certainly wasn't more than 5 or 6) as we stood around a bowl deftly shelling prawns - a skill I still possess to this day.

So, the message of this post. Get yourself out of bed bright and early, and get yourself to Billingsgate (but not on Sunday or Monday as it's closed) to Leleu and Morris specifically *cough* try some new fish, and support the oldest of London's markets in this amazing year. There will be fish you've never heard of, fish you can't even imagine and it's best to buy if you're planning on cooking larger quantities as for all the things Billingsgate is, it isn't your local fishmonger (that said, I wouldn't be above smiling sweetly and seeing where it got me - just don't tell my cousins I said that. They will kill me!)

And as much as I wanted to insert one here - I couldn't find a clip on youtube of my cousin Mark - but I completely agree with him about pollock. I know that as fish goes it's one we should be eating,  but I recently pulled a fish curry recipe that I was going to post the other week because quite frankly it tasted foul and ended up in the bin. Definitely the tracksuit wearing, Jeremy Kyle watching, cheeseburger eating fish, and I'm incredibly proud that it's a member of my family that stood up and said it.

I've written and re-written this post numerous times - originally it was tapped out on my phone as an emotional response full of pride to a programme showing people I love doing something that speaks to me just as a member of their family but also as a member of the foodie community. I've tried to make it less gushing, more measured and to have a point to it. Did you miss that? Go, visit, buy fish! And in the meantime, I'll get started on the mackerel and haddock languishing sadly in my freezer. I'll even bribe M to take some photos of me prepping it for any upcoming fishy posts.

And now for something completely different

You'll have noticed, that occaisionally, in passing, I might accidentally mention that I'm a Guider. Tongue firmly in cheek here you understand I'm sure. This post has nothing to do with food, and everything to do with Guiding. Fancy a s'more? Or is a damper more your style? OK, so maybe a bit to do with food.

I lead Fourth Friern Barnet Guides, and assist at Fifth Whetstone Brownies, I've been working with both units for about 6 years now, and I love it. I enjoy the games, the craft, the activities and the holidays. I love to sing and am renowned at Division level for my rendition of The Princess Pat, with actions no less. I love that the children don't know (nor do they need to) of my disability. I get immense satisfaction from watching them grow from girls into accomplished, confident young women. I love that they don't care that I'm pulling my hair out at work, that I desperately need to do the housework, that I'm tired, that I have blogposts to write.  While I'm there - I'm theirs. They have my undivided attention, their world is my focus. It's liberating, thought provoking, and most of all fun.

I myself was a Brownie, Guide and Young leader and was active until University when Winchester proved not to be the hotbed of Guiding activity I had hoped for.  I then had a break and started Guiding as an adult about a year after my Dad died. This was all a long time before this blog was even a twinkle in my eye. I was a bit lost really in the world, the person that had always been my rudder, my home if you will had gone, and feeling somewhat sad I sent GirlGuiding UK an email asking if there were any volunteering opportunities near me. Within a week I had a phone call from Sarah, our District Commisioner (now a good friend) who needed some help at Brownies as her mum was retiring. Sarah came over for coffee a week or so later, we chatted, completed my CRB and within about 6 weeks I went along to Brownies for a visit. I've talked already about what I get from Brownies now, but then what I got was the validation that enthusiasm, a willingness to learn, to throw yourself into something meant I could be good at something. I started shortly after a Brownie called Maisie had made her promise, when I made mine, she stuck a silver star onto my promise badge because she was proud of me, I still wear it that way to this day as a reminder - Maisie's about to start Rangers. At Brownies and Guides none of the things that meant I felt different mattered, and in time, with the support of a girl only space and the women who've become my friends they didn't ever matter.

Now I have amazing friends - we meet up from time to time, most excitingly on Brownsea Island which to this day is one of my favourite weekends probably ever. We share crafts, sing songs, eat together, sleep in dormitories, wear our uniforms with pride and generally love and care for each other like the sisterhood we are (Ben, I include you in that). My Guider friends were the people I turned to when I was turned down for a job and learned my Grandad had died within about 6 hours of each other, they're the ones when I am feeling down send me hugs. They divert me (and I them) with Draw Something, and sometimes they turn up with ice cream, a copy of Heat magazine and their knitting when they know I need company. They help me build my Ikea furniture in my first home of my own, they send me Secret Santa gifts and they share my outrage when someone says something negative about Guiding anywhere on the internet.

What makes me sad though, is when we can't do things, when I can't (as I can't this year) physically manage to organise and run another camp, when I hear of units closing because we don't have enough volunteers. Of girls missing out because we don't have enough adults.

And that's the situation I find myself in at the moment. In our Division, this summer - three Rainbow units will close as we have no volunteers to take on the responsibility. Rainbows traditionally meet earliest because they're our youngest section (from 5-7) Three units? That pretty much all of them. Somewhere in Finchley, Whetstone or Friern Barnet we have to be able to find 6 people who would take these units on? Would, with support from the established leaders, build these units up and enjoy the experience that volunteering brings.

For more information about Rainbows - click here

Perhaps you want to learn some new skills to polish up your CV? Perhaps you want to try something new, or just an evening where you just do something completely different? Equally, although my specific aim at the moment is those Rainbow leaders, it's not all front line - are you interested in Marketing? Event Management? Accounts? Shopping? Recruitment? There's opportunities to get involved in all of those things on a local and national level.

I'm specifically looking for leaders in the Finchley, Barnet, Friern Barnet and Whetstone areas - however, GirlGuiding UK currently has around 50,000 girls and young women on waiting lists across the country. Girls who are being denied the opportunity to learn new skills, meet new people, try new activities, go on holidays, trips, legitimately (and safely) learn to set and cook over a fire, go wild in the countryside, on camp. Be themselves, be validated in a space that's theirs, where they don't have to conform to the societal expectations of how they should look, speak or behave. Be friends, learn leadership skills, develop their self-confidence, their commitment to being a citizen of the world, to social responsibility and to having fun.

Can you give up some time, each week to have fun and potentially change someone's life?

If you're local to me - please click on this link to see more about what's going on in Finchley and Friern Barnet, or email me here for more information.
Perhaps you were a Brownie or a Guide yourself and want to pass that experience on? Don't be put of by the preconception that you have to give up x amount of time each week - Guiding prides itself on being flexible. If you're somewhat daunted at the prospect of volunteering - why not try our 12 hour challenge specifically designed to give you a taster of what Guiding's about. It's not brown dresses and sewing on buttons anymore.

Lots of employers are pleased to support people who volunteer, some offer extra annual leave to be used with your unit (great for camps and holidays) allow and support you to leave early on meeting nights, or even match fund for equipment and outings. Employer Supported Volunteering can really make volunteering easier on you.

Click here to start an amazing journey of fun, friendship and a startling amount of glitter.

All girls pictured have appropriate photo permissions

And all shall know, the song of Purple summer: International Epilepsy Day

Photo credit: Mark Reader

Or Purple day as it's also known (hence the somewhat tenuous link to a song title) Although, Lauren Pritchard who originated the role of Ilse on Broadway, and I both have Epilepsy, so not so random. For once. 


Yes folks it's that time already (are the years getting shorter or am I getting older) Today in International Epilepsy Day, where we try to raise awareness of Epilepsy as a condition without focusing on the limitations, but instead on what those of us with epilepsy can, and do achieve. 


For me, epilepsy is referred to as Brian. My very own, personal Gorilla. As written about here  and also on the BBC Ouch/ Disability forum. I won't reproduce all of The Gorilla in my house here as you can read about it on Batsgirl's blog, but every time I read it, this paragraph resounds particularly pertinently to me:

"The gorilla in your house will cause problems in every part of your life. Your spouse may decide that (s)he can't deal with the gorilla, and leave. Your boss may get upset that you've brought the gorilla to work with you and it's disrupting your colleagues, who don't know how to deal with gorillas. You're arriving for work wearing a suit the gorilla has slept on. Some days you don't turn up at all because at the last minute, the gorilla has decided to barricade you into the bathroom or sit on you so you can't get out of bed. Your friends will get cheesed off because when you see them - which isn't often, because they don't want to come to your house for fear of the gorilla and the gorilla won't always let you out - your only topic of conversation is this darn gorilla and the devastation it is causing."

 Brian does have a tendency to sit on my head. 


However, as I posted last year, that doesn't stop me achieving. Sometimes I do need alterations and adaptations to ensure I'm on a level playing field with everyone else, but I manage. I achieve:

• GCSEs
• A Levels
• A degree in English & Drama (2:1)
• CTP in Learning & Development (distinction)
• GirlGuiding UK's Adult Leader Qualification for Brownies
• I can ride a bike
• I can run
• I can swim
• I can sing (I was a Bishop's Chorister don't you know)

All achievements I am hugely proud of. I have also been asked to be Godmother to one of my dearest friends' son. I am so proud as to me that is a huge honour. I also work full-time, blog part-time, volunteer. I live, I laugh, I love. I do the same as you, except I occasionally have a gorilla who sits on my head. And bounces. 

Epilepsy doesn't stop me achieving. I firmly believe that if I set my mind to something I will get there. Take this blog. Last year I started to really take this seriously, to post regularly, to work hard, to take up PR offers to make it better. To really get the message out there that cooking is accessible, using good quality ingredients doesn't cost the earth, and that home baked cake is just better. In return I've seen my readership escalate steadily, my rating on the wikio and most recently the Foodies 100 do the same. And I've done most of that with a chronic migraine (thank God for Dragon)

You might not know anyone with epilepsy, but you might. Do you know how to support that person if they have a seizure? Do you know about the different types of epilepsy? If not, have a look at the Epilepsy Society's website. I'm treated by them and the difference it has made to my life is immense. 

So this year I'm building on that with your Top ten first aid tips when someone has a seizure:

1. Stay Calm
2. Look around - is the person somewhere dangerous? If not, don't move them. Move furniture or similar objects away from them
3. Note the time the seizure starts
4. Stay with them. If they don't collapse, but seem blank or confused. Gently guide them away from any danger. Speak quietly and calmly
5. Cushion their head with something soft if they have collapsed
6. Don't hold them down
7. Don't put anything in their mouth
8. Check the time again - if a seizure where someone is shaking (convulsing) hasn't stopped after five minutes, call an ambulance
9. After the seizure has stopped, put the person in the recovery position and check their breathing is normal. Check their airway isn't blocked. If their breathing sounds difficult - call an ambulance
10. Stay with them until they are fully recovered. If they are injured, or have another seizure soon after the first. Call for an ambulance